Friday, August 7, 2009

The Battle of Spandex!

Friday morning of the first week presented a new experience in the summer session of Boot Camp. Fridays are aquatic day. This means that the recruits are to come ready to go in the pool.

The evening before aquatic day, I spent hours trying on the three bathing suits I have so that I could see which one shows the least amount of fat. Important questions raced through my mind. Do I wear the bathing suit with the skirt that hides my thunder thighs but makes me look like Niagara Falls when I get out of the pool because the skirt holds so much water? Do I wear the one piece that will be speedy swimming laps but shows every single bulge on my body and has what I would term a pre-teen bra that cannot even attempt to hold up one of my breasts? Do I wear the two piece bathing suit? Stop! I don’t mean a bikini! Geez…I’m not that crazy! By two-piece I mean a long tank top with the underwear type pants that hides nothing when it comes to the logs jutting out from my torso. All bathing suits are Spandex. I’ve said it before that all fat women should never wear Spandex. After much him-hawing, I decide I will wear the one with the skirt that seems to cover up more flaws that the others.

Now I must tell you that I have no fear of the water because as my late father would exclaim proudly, “I come from a family of great floaters!” Some of my earliest memories are of family vacations to Wildwood, N.J. and my father just laying back and floating over every wave that hit. When we started coming south to Florida for vacation, I was old enough to join him in the great float-out. It took me a while to realize that the reason we had a family of great floaters was because many of our family members, including my dad and I, were heavy. I’m here to tell you, fat people float! Skinny people sink!

On the first aquatic day, I woke up and worked up a sweat pulling the Spandex compression suit onto my body. Tugging, groaning untwisting straps as I adjusted every part of my torso into the suit so that my fat pockets were smoothed over and seemed to lie in the least invasive positions. I felt like the Pillsbury Dough Girl about to pop out of the can! I then grabbed a beach cover-up and threw that over top, snagged my goggles, donned my water shoes and was out the door. As I jumped into my vehicle, I noticed a slight flash of lightning to the south. I ran back in the house, grabbed my exercise clothes and sneakers just in case.

Upon arriving at the YMCA I am told that we will not be swimming today due to the weather. My brain screams with joy as I am given one more week before having to show my body to all. I realized then that I could not workout without my sports bra on so I ran into the locker room, tugged, groaned and untwisted again as I worked up another sweat taking off the bathing suit, put on my work-out clothes and went to class. After a short stint of exercises, one of the trainers came in and said they checked the weather and all was clear for swimming. They told us we had ten minutes to meet out at the pool. You have got to be kidding! Ten minutes? I ran back into the locker room, took off my now sweaty exercise clothing and once again fought the Spandex battle as I pulled and tugged and twisted to try and get my bathing suit onto my sweaty body. I already felt like I ran a five mile race just getting dressed three times!

After spending a few minutes searching to find the door to the pool, I went outside and quickly jumped in so that I could hide my body in the water. All of a sudden I felt the skirt of my bathing suit float up and fill with air. I looked down and realized that I must have looked like an Oompa Loompa in Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory because I was one hundred percent inflated. I quickly pushed my skirt down and held it at the bottom. I glanced around as my mind hears music, “Oompa Loompa Doompadee doo. I’ve got another puzzle for you. Oompa Loompa doompadah dee. If you are wise you’ll listen to me.” Do others hear it too?

Our trainer gave us two pieces of equipment, a noodle and foam barbells. As I leaned back on my noodle pulling my legs up and swinging them as directed, I once again experienced Oompa Loompa syndrome. All through the exercise session I had to push the skirt down to deflate it. I realized that I would have to rethink which bathing suit to wear next week. The skirt is good on land for covering the thighs but not in the water for exercising.

Presently I am already trying to decide which bathing suit will be worn next week and I have a few thoughts for you to ponder. I really think the women in the 20’s and 30’s had it easy with their bloomer bathing suits that covered the entire body and were made of cotton. Do you think I can bring that back? What about outlawing Spandex! Why are we tortured by Spandex visually and physically? How do men wear Speedo’s? Better yet, how do obese men wear Speedo’s? How do women wear thong bathing suits? Does it feel like a piece of dental floss between your cheeks?

Everything considered, the aquatic session was a nice change from the gym work-out. The water provides a cushion on your joints and water jogging is more comfortable than on land.

I am a recruit in the YMCA Boot Camp and I am beginning to believe that even wearing a bathing suit, I deserve to be there!

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