Saturday, April 26, 2008

Comming Clean

Written on 4-22-08
Can I Commit?
How Strong am I?

Today I made a decision that was extremely hard for me. I am going public with my weight issue. It may end up to be the most embarassing thing in my life or my most inspirational. My hopes and prayers are that it will help me to be commited to taking time for myself. A woman is made by God and fine tuned to be caring and nuturing creatures. It is one of our biggest faults. I don't think God meant for us to put everyone before ourselves, but we have. I can remember thinking in August of 1992 as Hurricane Andrew raged around my family as we sat huddled in the hallway that I just couldn't protect my children or promise that they would be safe from the storm. I remember crying hysterically and praying for my daughter, Jessie who was in the Bahamas. I thought if we were getting this bad of a storm here, she surely could not survive the storm on a small island. I really didn't think about myself...my thoughts were for my children.
My husband has often said to me that I need to take time for myself. I can wait no longer. I want to be able to get on the floor and play with my Grandson, Alex. I want to see my daughter Jessie and son Danny marry and have children. I want to grow old with my husband.

Growing up in a small town in Pa., some of my earliest memories are of being teased by my older brothers. They called me "Fat Sissy." Sissy is the name that those near and dear to me have called me since I was born and I prefer it over Doris. Just not the "fat" part. During my youth, I was always the chubby kid. I love to sing as a teenager and I'll never forget a teacher who told me that "fat people can't sing." I was crushed as I loved music. Oh...I had many friends and dates due to the fact that I had, what I considered, a great personality in face of adversity.

Throughout my adult life, I have gone up and down with my weight. The only time I was near successful was when I was on different drugs from a doctor. The minute I went off of them, I gained back the weight and more. My weight has always been a source of failure for me and it truly does affect my feeling of self worth. I guess society has not helped with that feeling. People feel that fat people are lazy, sloppy and unworthy of love. Many people act like fat people don't have feelings. Well...I am here to tell you that we do. I cry often and my feelings do get hurt a lot!

During this past weekend I faced the scale and was not happy. This 53 year old woman is too close to somewhere I swore I would never be. Yes...I'm too embarassed to mention the number. Maybe someday. (Note...the picture above is from a fashion show at church this past Saturday where I was the emcee.)

Now...you have to understand that my husband is very fit and even plays raquetball three times a week. I, on the other hand, find it difficult to make time for exercising or taking time for myself. I do believe that I am a little afraid of exercise because I have suffered a broken leg that required surgery as well as a ruptured ACL ligament that I had to have a cadaver ligament implanted in my knee. I will say that even though I am fat...o.k...the word is obese and I admit I am...., the only medication I take is synthroid for an underactive thyroid....but I cannot blame my weight on that!

On Monday morning I went into the office and told my boss, who is also heavy and a good friend, that this was it. We both had to buckle down and it is easier when you have a friend to do it with. We committed to start walking and eating better.

My week so far has been pretty good. I attended a farewell party and also had an office luncheon and feel that I did well. I am more or less following the Weight Watchers plan. I have surprised myself by walking on Monday, Tuesday and today for a total of 2 to 2.5 miles a day. I feel good and yes...I have had some hunger. I still have not been able to drink a lot of water but I am working on it.

I am hoping to post here at least once a week to update you as to my progress. I will be truthful and honest about my feelings and my failures and successes. I hope you will support me with your prayers and emotional support because Lord knows...I need it. Feel free to post a comment below.

Until we meet again...............................

1 comment:

Kuehnemom said...

Doris!
Congratulations on your start! You are doing wonderfully! I am also trying to shed some weight, and have been drawing on the grace of God to get through. We can do much when we give our efforts back to Him. Our sacrifices (small and big) are our gifts to Him. Of course I will pray for you. With Him, all things are possible. One moment at a time, and with His grace!
Theresa